Its time to stop protecting yourself - When I Grow Up

Its time to stop protecting yourself - When I Grow Up As an actor, I was conditioned to hope for the best but expect the worst. I even conditioned my own mother to not ask about an audition after it happened, learning quickly that no news is bad news. As a mother and woman, Im conditioned to put everyone elses needs before my own. When my parents got divorced when I was 19, I spent the entire first session with a therapist talking about what my Mom, Dad and brother were feeling and what was needed. It was a revelation when the therapist said, at the end of the session, that I didnt spend any time talking about my needs or my feelings. As a cancer victim and survivor, Im conditioned to control all I can in order to keep myself healthy which often results in stress and anxiety over every day decisions, like what lipstick I buy or what I eat for a snack. As a person, Im conditioned to keep myself safe. To me, that means to stay in the place thats familiar, whether literally or figuratively. All unfamiliar territory is potentially dangerous, and putting myself in that situation voluntarily makes my cavewoman brain shout at me super loudly. Its one thing to be running from a bear that happens to be chasing you in the woods. Its another to put yourself in the middle of the woods, yell Bear! Come get me, bear! Im preparing myself for you!, you idiot, she says. I realized lately that Ive become hardened and guarded. Not overtly, but more than I used to be. We try our whole lives to keep ourselves safe. To be in control. To brush away the bad (traumatic, horrendous, sad, painful) stuff that shows up in our lives and hurry to get to normal or good. We put up walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt, whether its right now or in the future or decades from today. But is that putting out pessimism and negativity into the universe? Is it delaying joy? Is it numbing you as you go through your life? Is it helping you wear a mask as you go about your day, not showing your authentic self to those who youre closest to or spend the most time with? While I remain an optimist, Ive decided to do something radical for me: Im going to feel my feelings. Im going to allow myself to be hurt, disappointed, and sad. Im going to cry for longer than Im used to when I need to let it out. Im going to be vulnerable and put myself out there. Im going to take risks with my life, my career, my location and the usual way I do things. Its time to strip away our titles and the way we introduce ourselves to others. Its time to shed the hats were used to wearing, as mothers, daughters, women, workers. Its time to jump on the roller coaster of reinvention and self-development that comes along with committing to something new for yourself, whether its a new career, a new place to live, a new creative project, a new relationship, a new hobby, etc. Its only when we stop protecting ourselves and come to terms with (and accept!) what we want/need as grown-ups and people that the mask comes off and clarity happens.